The Secret Dairies of Viktor Orbán

Wednesday 15 May 2013

Hurray! The recession is over. Today the central statistical office announced the GDP figures for the first three months of this year, and GDP is up 0.7% compared to the last quarter of 2012. I was delighted.

One of my advisors urged caution. He told me that 0.7% is not a lot. The last quarter of 2012 was a particularly bad quarter. Two sparrows do not make a spring he told me. What nonsense. The recession is over.

I was in an ebullient mood as I visited the Cistercian Monastery of Zirc. This monastery, which was founded in 1182, has just been renovated at a cost of HUF 600 million. (The E.U. paid for most of it, but we'll keep quiet about that!)

During my speech I could not help boasting about the fact that the recession is over. "2013 will be a year of harvest!" I declared. Well that is certainly true. With an election coming up next year, it could hardly be otherwise.

After my speech, the abbot of the monastery asked if I would be staying for mass. "What's mass?" I asked him. He seemed surprised that I did not know.

Thursday 16 May 2013

Some of the winners of the tobacco franchises came to see me today. They said that they wanted to thank me personally. They were members of the party from some small provincial town. I gave them the reply that I give to all party members who have been granted special privileges (such as those who got the land lease deals):

"Someday, and that day may never come, I may call on you to do a service for me! But until that day, accept this as a gift."

Friday 17 May 2013

I discovered this morning that the Germans have been arguing about Hungary. Peer Steinbruck Germany's opposition leader, who is running against Merkel in the autumn electionsapparently told the Chancellor that she should not rule out expelling Hungary from the E.U. Merkel replied that in her opinion, it was a little too soon to send in the tanks.

How dare she make remarks like that about Hungary?

In my weekly broadcast, I told the listeners that last time the Germans sent the tanks to Hungary, it was not good, and it would not be good now! That should shut that stupid kraut up.

I also warned those who dared to question me about the tobacco franchises. "If we wanted to enforce political considerations in such a tender, there would not be a single left wing winner."

Saturday 18 May 2013

Time to destroy another political opponent. This time Gordon Bajnai. A few years ago, Bajnai's company bought a Goose Farm in the east of Hungary. Shortly after this, it went bust. The local farmers who had supplied the farm also went bust. Probably this was not Bajnai's fault – he just made a bad investment. But why let the truth get in the way of such a great PR opportunity.

Knowing how distrustful Hungarians are of successful businessmen, we spread a story that it was all thanks to Bajnai that the lives of all these innocent farmers had been ruined. We even call him the "Goose Thief" in Fidesz circles.

Today the goose thief was holding a conference for his "Together 2014" movement in Miskolc. So we sent some protestors there, to hold a demonstration outside. We also asked a journalist from MTV to text Bajnai a question asking him about the incident. He refused to answer any questions about this, so we can use that as proof that he is guilty.

These guys, Gyurcsany and Bajnai-just don't get it. Hungarians do not want to live in a country where everything is going well, and the government is fair. If they did, there would be nothing to moan about. We worked this out ages ago – that's why we keep telling the Hungarians that the world hates them, and that Western Europe is our enemy. They love that. Feeling that they are the victim. And they love us for telling them that. And we keep them in poverty while we skim off the country's wealth.

That's why we will win the election in 2014. Guaranteed.

Wednesday 22 May 2013

I was in Brussels today for the EU heads of state meeting. I was a bit worried about what Merkel might say about my comments, so I went over and apologized profusely. "When I was talking about the last time you sent the tanks, I did not means erm," I stuttered.

"Shut up Viktor" she replied, and walked away. So I guess that means that she is cool about it.

Tonight I watched the final of the Hungarian football Cup. I wasn't sure who to support. Debrecen is from the "Half Asian" part of Hungary, so I should really support Győr. But Győr is from the west, and we hate the west now- oh I'm confused. Anyway, congratulations to Győr for winning. Perhaps next year it will be Vidi!

Thursday 23 May 2013

Today I held a meeting with the head of the constitutional court, Peter Paczolay. After the meeting we gave a joint press conference, where I said that the time for debate about the role of the constitutional court is over. (From now on the court will do as I say!) I said that the court must continuously monitor whether Hungary's legislation is in line with the countries international obligations. (If it is, then we must change it so that it is not!).

FreeHungary; May 23. 2013.