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The secret diaries of Viktor Orbán aged 49 1/3

Thursday 4th October 2012

Today we hosted an international conference on cyber crime, and had some distinguished guests here. I made the opening speech, in which I made the joke that if you make a Hungarian friend, you don't need an enemy! Which seemed to go down very well with many of the participants.

Then I explained to the conference about how we Hungarians love freedom. We have been fighting for freedom since 1956, and have only been enjoying it recently. That is why we are so keen on cyberspace, because it allows the freedom of information.

That reminds me, I must call the media council to make see how they are doing with closing down of opposition radio station Klubradió.

Friday 5th October 2012

I sat up late last night going over the budget for 2013. The problem is that the budget deficit is getting bigger and bigger. If we are to hit our target of 2.3% of GDP for the budget deficit for next year, we are going to have to make savage cuts, or increase taxes, or increase VAT to 29%! And the only promise I made during the election was that there would be no austerity.

Suddenly I had an apparition. There was a ghost like figure by my side, dressed in the clothes of a nineteenth century count. He smiled, and told me: "everything is going to be fine Viktor. The economy is doing really well."

"But it's not!" I told him. "Not really. We're going bankrupt!"

"Everything will be fine!" he said, then disappeared. I felt strangely calm.

This morning finance minister Matolcsy came to see me.

"Good news, Prime Minister!" he said. "We've finished the budget. It balances!"

"How did you manage that?" I said.

Matolcsy explained that he has lifted the target for the budget deficit from 2.3% to 2.7% of GDP, which gives us some flexibility. He has reduced the target of GDP growth to 1% from our original 1.6% estimate. We will have to make HUF450 billion of spending cuts though. The word "austerity" has been banned; instead we are using the term "budget rebalancing!"

Maybe my ghost friend was right. Everything is going to be all right.

Monday 8 October 2012

In the morning I addressed the Hungarian Diaspora Council. This is the council that represents all the Hungarian minorities living in neighbouring countries, thanks to the abominable treaty of Trianon.

During my speech, I talked of my favourite theme, about how the European ideal is dead, and we are once again seeing the renaissance of nations! Clearly a dig at the European Union!

When I got back to my office, I was going to call Mihály Varga, the minster responsible for the IMF negotiations (the most cushy job in government) when suddenly the ghost appeared again.

"Do you really want to negotiate with those bankers Viktor?" he said.

"No," I replied, "but we have no choice. With our national debt being so high we do need the IMF to at least guarantee it, otherwise the markets will make us pay a much higher rate of interest!" I explained to the ghost.

"Rubbish!" he cried, getting angry. "The Hungarian economy is in good shape now. You don't need the IMF's money! Tell them to go away!"

Then he disappeared.

I wonder who this ghost is. Perhaps it is Count Széchenyi, or Kalman Szelles. He seems like a wise man, and I will follow his council.

We will place adverts in all the newspapers, stating categorically that the government will not give in to the IMF! I called a friendly advertising agency who told me that they would be happy to organise this advertising campaign for the government, for only HUF 200 million of taxpayers money! The adverts will go in Wednesday's papers!!

I'll show them.

Tuesday 9 October 2012

Off to the country today to open Sándor Csáyni's new cattle farm. I've never seen such a big farm. I made a speech to the assembled crowd in the cowshed.

Suddenly I heard people talking outside. "Don't go into the cowshed!" one of them said. "The smell of bullshit in there is overwhelming!"

Wednesday 10 October 2012

Today we had an important visitor. Alekszej Miller, managing director of Gazprom, the Russian energy behemoth! We didn't mention any of my numerous anti Russian speeches I've made, nor the fact that after Gyurcsány visited Gazprom as Prime Minister, I made a speech in which I said "Oil may come from the East, but freedom generally comes from the West!" How things change.

FreeHungary; October 10. 2012.

Last Updated on Friday, 30 August 2013 09:11

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