Sunday 25 March 2012

The week ahead is going to be dominated by the issue of Dr. Schmitt, the man I chose to be President. It has been alleged that he copied most of his doctoral thesis, and this week the Semmelweis University will announce the results of their enquiry into the matter.

I chose Schmitt because I wanted a rather stupid affable man as president, someone who would not question any of the laws that Parliament issues, unlike his predecessor Laszlo Solyom. Solyom was always sending laws back to Parliament to reconsider, or even referring them to the Constitutional Court. I didn't mind then, as we were in opposition for most of that time. In government however, we don't want such a president.

Dr. Schmitt has served us well, and has not even blinked, as we have passed laws stripping the constitutional court of its powers, removed the independence of the judiciary, set up a media council, and generally removed any checks on the power of the ruling party.

I decided that it is best if Dr. Schmitt is not around this week, and sent him off to South Korea to attend an international conference on nuclear nonproliferation. I told him not to say anything – just smile nicely and look relaxed. He's good at that.

Monday 26 March 2012

I spent the day negotiating with the committee who are investigating Dr. Schmitt's thesis. I asked them if there is any way they can clear his name. My contact there told me "Viktor, the guy copied 50 pages without even changing a word. He even copied the guys typing errors. There's no way we can find him not guilty of plagiarism."

My heart sank! If Schmitt goes, not only might he be replaced with a president who wants to do his job, but this would reflect very badly on Fidesz. All the other parties in Parliament voted against his appointment.

Tuesday 27 March 2012

Some good news! The committee reported their findings into Schmitt's thesis. They said that he had committed plagiarism, but it wasn't his fault, his tutor should have given him clearer guidance.

Excellent! So looks like our affable friend will be able to continue signing our laws.

Just for good measure, our propaganda machine put out the message that the HVG journalists should be ashamed of themselves, ruining the good name of our country by accusing the president of plagiarism. We also put out the message that all doctorates issued during those years were dodgy.

Thursday 29 March 2012

The senate of the Semmelweis University announced today that they will strip Schmitt of his doctorate. It looks like he will have to resign. I could sack him – after all, I control two thirds of the seats in Parliament. But I want to distance myself from this crisis, as it reflects badly on our party. So instead, I am using declaring that the position of President in "inviolable".

If those academics think they can get away with embarrassing Fidesz like that, they should think again. I've already got my spies checking their doctorates, and should any plagiarism come to light, they can kiss their careers goodbye too.

Friday 30 March 2012

On my weekly radio show, I stated that it was up to Mr. Schmitt whether he resigns or not, again doing my Pontius pilot impression.

So I waited in anticipation for Mr. Schmitt's interview on national television this evening. I expected him to say that he was sorry, and would tender his resignation. Instead, he denied that he had committed plagiarism, said he is going to sue the university, and will not step down as president. Is he really such an idiot? I think I'm going to have to spell it out to him.

Saturday 31 March

I called Mr. Schmitt in for a friendly chat. I explained to him that while I personally support his decision to stay on as President, it may reflect badly on the party. He finally got the hint and agreed to resign.

Later on he faxed me his resignation speech:

"At long last I am able to say a few words of my own. I have never wanted to withhold anything, but until now it has not been constitutionally possible for me to speak.

A few hours ago I discharged my last duty as King and Emperor, and now that I have been succeeded by my brother, the Duke of York, my first words must be to declare my allegiance to him. This I do with all my heart."

I was a little confused by his references to King and Emperor, so I asked Mr Schmitt to explain. "Ah sorry Viktor, I was just borrowing a speech from King Edward VIII of England, and forgot to change some of the details!" he told me sheepishly.

FreeHungary; April 4. 2012.

Last Updated on Thursday, 05 April 2012 05:21